After an epic trip to Ikea yesterday I thought it was only fair on my long suffering husband to write him a ‘Husband and Father’s Guide to Shopping in the Store that is Blue and Yellow’. I never ever ever want to go again. That is how traumatic it was. However that is probably fine as we are now completely bankrupt and can’t afford to ever return. Anyway read and weep (either in sympathy or hilarity, I don’t actually care. About anything any more).
1. Firstly, do not foolishly think you are just nipping in. Allow a whole day for your visit as it is a life sucking time warp where you will not realise how long you are taking to meander and peruse (and beware the “short-cuts” as they are a trick that simply return you back to the beginning).
2. Take note of exactly where you have parked to avoid confusion and arguments upon leaving, when you have pushed four trolleys from one end of the car park to the other, mildly panicking that the car has been stolen, when actually you just got out of the lift on the wrong level.
3. Be entertained by the childish ways of your offspring as they demonstrate fun games such as ‘100 exciting ways to ride an escalator’ and ‘look I can use the trolley a skateboard’. Note Ikea is also a great place for Hide and Seek, especially if you don’t know you are playing and you simply lose your children.
4. Embrace sitting on every sofa and lying on every bed. Also testing every footstool, dining set, kitchen bench and garden furniture set. This is mandatory.
5. Master the words ‘Yes dear’ in a convincing tone to demonstrate that you are listening and you are interested in which cushion covers would look best with the grey sofa and which duvet cover pattern is the prettiest.
6. Ditto for rugs on the floor and that it would be really cool to have a yellow sofa.
7. Make sure you visit the cafe on your way round. You will be in need of food and your wife can tell this from the vacant look in your eyes. She also will need a cup of tea. By visiting the cafe you will avoid any snappy, snarky quips cause by hangriness. The children of course do not need anything as they are never hungry or thirsty and they never tell you so.
9. Expect to have to purchase at least one cuddly toy per child, even though they already have five billion at home. Furthermore expect to buy a hideous monstrosity of a cuddly toy such as a blue hippocroc or a giant toothbrush (because they are renowned for being cuddly), not something cute like a cat or a dog because no we want a sixty foot long pink dragon.
8. Try not to lose your sh!t when you enter The Marketplace. One is supposed to fill up one’s yellow bag with fervour as one notices how cheap the glasses, spoons, kitchen utensils, candles, candle holders, hand towels, bins, boxes, fairy lights, cheese graters, ice cube trays and chopping boards are. Just push the trolley. Your wife is doing you a favour. Yes she is.
9. Upon entry to the Warehouse ensure that you have noted the exact number, aisle, shelf and colour of every single item that you want. This will avoid your wife losing the will to live while you relook it all up on the computer. Or even having to leave her there with the trolley while you *hotfoot it back to the original location in the store. *NB to hotfoot it somewhere you need to do it quickly. Just saying.
10. As you approach the checkout there will be an overwhelming desire upon seeing the size of the queues, to abandon your trolley and drag your family out. DO NOT DO THIS. This will result in you having to make a return visit and start all over again.
11. Prepare yourself for a shock when the final subtotal is announced to you, as you went to Ikea because it was so cheap. It is cheap, everything is cheap. It is just that you bought everything.
12. Walk straight past the food. Do not look at it. Do not be persuaded to buy a five kilo bag of Daim bars or anything that resembles a ball made of meat.
13. When going to fetch something from the collection point, let your wife do it, while you chat amiably to the children who are not at all bored and fed up. You will feel enriched and enlivened by spending this quality time with them.
14. Get out of the lift on the correct level. See note number 2.
15. Ensure that you hire a mahoosive trailer so that you can cart everything home easily and feel very smug laughing at the plebs trying to squeeze sofas into their minis and billy bookcases into their fiestas.
16. When you finally get home (yes it is mandatory for Ikea to be an hour and a half drive away) remember you are responsible for unloading everything while everybody else scarpers. It’s your job. You love it.
17. Remember that you love flat pack furniture and even though you have just unloaded it all, you still need to build it all. Now.
18. When building said furniture, try not to swear in front of the children. They do not know where the effing Allen key is and they just want to help. When you have finished you will feel an enormous sense of accomplishment and you can have a well earned cuppa. Even if it is midnight.
NB: if you think this post is too long, you should have come with us to Ikea.